"Sustainable" Gardening? For who?

"In the gardening justice system, there are two separate yet equally important groups: the farmers who attempt to sustain themselves with their planting efforts and the varmints who are the garden offenders. These are their stories."

July 5th - Evidence photo A - A full garden, brimming with sustainable, organic goods only Mother Nature can provide:

 Evidence Photo B - Fully formed radish:

Evidence Photo C - Flowering Peas on vine:

 Evidence Photo C - huge lettuce crops:

 Evidence Photo D - Pea crop on vines:

 Evidence Photo E - Artichoke crop:

On or about July 6-7, Farmer Jane Doe (hereafter referred to as VICTIM) was able to harvest some lettuce and radish crops, although not all crops went willingly to the table:

Victim prepared a "garden salad" on or about July 6-7 and was looking forward to a summer and fall of continued benefits from said "sustainable, organic garden":

On or about the night of July 8th or 9th, VICTIM discovered random destruction of artichoke crop:

 VICTIM attempted resuscitation efforts:

But finally had to accept the inevitable.  Artichoke crop was photographed posthaste to prove unworthiness of table:

On or about July 9-10th  - unknown perpetrators gained access to "sustainable, organic garden" and wreaked havoc to tops of sunflowers, kale, beets and lettuce plants:

On or about the same dates, KNOWN perpetrators (hereafter referred to as BASTARD GOPHERS) began savage, unwarranted and continuous attacks on "sustainable, organic garden":

 At this time, VICTIM considered strong measures:

 But wussed out and decided to remain organic:

VICTIM also attempted to elicit help from one "Killer Diller, kitty with no pity" - to no avail...Pea crops lost at this time:

VICTIM submits photograph below (Evidence photo F ) to show disparity between "organic produce" and lemons in same backyard:

 On or about July 14-15 - VICTIM discovers how BASTARD GOPHERS are gaining entry to "sustainable, organic garden":

In a pathetic attempt to stem further damages, VICTIM plants additional pea crop in clay planter:

VICTIM also implores "Killer Diller, kitty with no pity" to get the hell off the phone and get back to work:

The help is no help:

On or about July 19, VICTIM discovers another artichoke caper, with no evidence left at crime scene:

On or about July 20, VICTIM discovers the last artichoke plant was right (please notice placement of completely ineffectual Gopher alarms):

VICTIM applies fast thinking method and harvests last artichoke before it too is mercilessly dragged down the BASTARD GOPHER's portal of doom:

July 22 -Evidence Photo G - Sad, pathetic remains of "sustainable, organic garden"

I will say, the gophers, moles, squirrels, deer, slugs and snails were sustained nicely by this garden.  Me?  not so much.

On the other side of the garden, I was able to harvest a single tiny tomato and then the tomato plant went all "infertile" on me:

 A co-worker suggested a little "Q-tip" action might help the situation.  I figured I'd throw in some Barry White on the iPod and a little candlelight as well:

It worked!  Baby tomatoes are sprouting - how long before they, too, fall victim to KNOWN PERPETRATORS?

If this occurs, I am prepared to hire my own "Magnificent Seven" to protect the farming village behind the house:

Hooray for the Red White and Blue! And Fireworks, too!

Summertime!  And the living is....the same as every damn day.  But anyway, we've got the Fourth of July to liven things up, and the holiday falling in the middle of the week did nothing to damper local spirits.  Our city still allows the "safe and sane" fireworks, so of course...

SOME PEOPLE... I WON'T SAY WHO...insisted we purchase the big ones:

Ahh, what's more patriotic than a 100 year old doll kicking it with the flag, while the cat sneaks in:

I'll tell you what is...ME ACTUALLY COOKING!  Yes, I threw off the microwave shackles, tied on the apron and headed outdoors to BBQ some hot dogs and sausages.  True, I was scared, as there were things like fire, and smoke and bees and such in the air...but I sucked it up:

 I also bought a mini watermelon and when I sliced into it, was freaked out to see no black seeds:

 Of course, since I fired up the BBQ, I figured why waste all that heat and smoke and ash and stuff?  TIME FOR SMORES!!! (with patriotic marshmallow shapes, of course!)

 The end result...pretty tasty, but very messy.  This Virgo does not appreciate such foods:

Then we headed to the beach, the only one that allows fireworks on it.   SOME PEOPLE, I WON'T SAY WHO, were a little anxious to light up the sky:

Once our awesome "wind protection" pit was dug, I took the annual photo of the firepower.  SOMEONE, I WON'T SAY WHO...thought they would gross me out with a "foot in photo" bomb:

My friend's favorite firework to burn - need I explain why?

Here's a little one I found that turned out to be pretty cool - once lit, it sparked from the top, then finished off with fireworks coming from the spout.  Not bad for a $1.99:

Time to relax while awaiting the sun's exit from the sky...check out DP and the phone DP uses....how narcissistic can you be!

Time for some rounds of the classic game PassWord - this game set is from the 60's (it was my grandmother's) and is based off the popular TV show of that time - Unfortunately, this set did not come with an "Allen Ludden".

 Well, here it is barely dark and DP was all "give me the matches, give me the damn matches!!"

So I thought I'd distract everyone by taking some photos as the sun went down.  This one of my friend is the best of the bunch.  Tragically, as I backed up to take this photo, my dignity was killed as I fell backwards over a rock and fell, camera and all, into the sand. My "friends" almost died laughing.  All night.  WHATEVER!!

My other "friend" did well with this pose as well.  

 ME?  Oh no, I posed and ended up looking like a guy peeing in the ocean!  Not the photographers fault mind you - MINE.  RETAKE needed! So here, instead, is a photo of the sunset with a sailboat under it:

FINALLY - the sun set and the matches were out - This first firework is my favorite to light up, as it has bees on it and anything that causes bees harm is ok by me:

 Nice effects by the camera, despite the traumatic sand landing it had earlier:

This here is a Roman Candle - I get these instead of those new piss-ant sparklers they sell nowadays.  The ones we had as kids were better and lasted longer, too.  Look as Miss BravePants here:

 Ahh...a final image of the beach...commonly known as "The War Zone" on the Fourth of July: