Tuesday, April 20, 2010

The Personal Hell I know as Ugly Sandals

Summer is approaching fast, and as it does, an impending sense of doom begins to envelop me. The days get longer...the pants shorter...and then it happens....FLIP FLOPS begin to appear. Now seeing these floor slapping, ugly foot revealing, rubber soled slippers of doom used to be bad enough. I'd be sitting in a restaurant, innocently sipping my wine and about to take a bite of something scrumptious when, out of the corner of my eye, I would notice a flash of whitish flesh protruding from under a table near me. Yes, someones ugly ass foot (practically in my face!) would cause me to flee.

Recently, I've noticed that flip flops have almost taken a back seat to a new generation of ugly sandals. Sandals like these:

(insert vomiting noise here)
What in the hell??? I mean, I don't think Jesus would even stoop to wearing something as ugly as those. Check out the "Mary Magdalene" version of these affronts to style:
I'll never be able to go near another pool! Now, ugly sandals are not a NEW phenomenon. Not at all...for years I have suffered this visionary delight:
Good old Birkenstocks have been torturing humans with their sudden and unwarranted appearance at various parties, christenings, music festivals (well, OK, maybe they belong there), school functions, sports games and even work meetings for years. Perhaps "B" wearers think it's OK to show up at a little league game wearing Birkenstocks if they are wearing the "fancy" version:
Well, it's not. I am trying to watch my nephew play baseball. I don't want to have to constantly avert my eyes from accidentally seeing your toes fight for space in the side strap area of a sandal!!!

And then we have THESE artistic renderings of the devils own sketchbook:
What can I say about a plastic looking rubber shoe in heinously bright neon colors that have holes punched in them? Hmm...
Oh yes...sticking crap in the holes does not hide their ugliness! That's what I can say! These shoes make me think you are lazy. Also that you may be an escapee from a mental hospital, where patients often require safe rubber shoes like these. And then there are the baby crocs:

No, not that type of baby croc....THIS TYPE:Yes, why NOT make your kid look as lazy as you? It should be noted here that people such as that "mother" Kate Gosselin firmly believe in making her kids wear these things. This fact alone should turn people off to being seen in crocs. But alas, I am confronted with the sight of these things in stores, restaurants, and shopping malls everywhere. Personal Dignity people...it's not just a phrase...it's a way of life.
So you are probably thinking, well apparently this writer doesn't like to see feet all over the damn place. Shoes that cover the foot should make her happy then. Shoes like these:

HELL TO THE NO! I don't know what herbal "enhancer" the designer of these shoes was on when this idea was born, but I have to say...these are the ugliest sandal/shoe/flip flop/rubber gloves for the feet that I have ever seen. And don't worry ladies, there's a version for you:
I mean COME ON...who in their right mind would purchase, let alone WEAR a "shoe" like this? The mere sight of someone walking around in these shoes is apt to cause a 15 car pile up! I'll tell you who would wear them...a co-worker of mine who actually thought they would be good for running. I can't tell you the joy, happiness and glee I partook of when she came to work the next day complaining that they sucked and made her feet and arches sore.
Another summer delight I have to deal with avoiding eye contact with are these:
Yes, here we have the infamous "shoedal". For those who don't want to hurt their shoe OR sandal's feelings by actually CHOOSING ONE. You know what? If you can't decide whether to wear a shoe or a sandal...STAY HOME. And yes, people can make their young children look as indecisive as their parents:
I cannot leave out one of the worst fashion crimes a soul can commit:
I had to go throw up.
A last ugly sandal for you to view and ponder the question: What is more important...personal dignity or personal comfort? OF COURSE I MEAN OUTSIDE THE HOME:
The above "footwear" are apparently known as "massage sandals" - for those who really, really don't care that the person at the next table in the restaurant has just thrown up all her wine and knocked her scrumptious food to the floor in a wild attempt to escape the viewing of such things.


Anonymous said...

Great commentary and good selections to illustrate the nightmare of ugly open footwear!

casino online said...

zero cost bright blog page themes or templates http://bestonlinecasinoworld.tumblr.com free online casino

Anonymous said...

What's worse are the guys who are devout sandal worshipers but don't believe in using soap on their stinking feet! Try being in a meeting hall and those young techies clad in cargo shorts and varying styles of sandals that stink up the place from foot odor!


Duh. Another blogbloat by Squidward Tentacles.

Anonymous said...

I've worn sandals wince I was very young. One of my first pairs of sandals was in the early '70s when I was a wee little boy. They were those leather strappy "hippie sandals" with the tire tread soles and O rings. I never wanted to take them off. I even wore them in the winter with socks. Eventually I graduated to Birkenstocks in junior high. I absolutely love the classic Birkenstock Milano. And all of these years later I still wear Birkies! And by the way there're a whole lot of sandal clad feet at music recitals. Classical guitar recitals! Let's sandalize America!