Martha and Me...a slight case of comparison

Martha Stewart and I do not get along. It's a well known fact and I am not afraid of it. There are reasons, one of which is her oh so charming Martha's Calendar that graces every edition of her "Living" magazine. The Calendar is an adorable peek into what Martha is doing every damn day of the month. Things like "Bergh Ball" and "plant onions and shallots".

So I give you tonight...selections from Martha's April Calendar and a comparison to MY calendar:

April 6th - Martha is ordering new garden gloves and turning on her outdoor faucets. She is also hooking up her hoses that day. Martha's gloves:

My April 6th - While wandering CVS during lunch, I may happen to see some cheap ass garden gloves in the "Spring has arrived!" aisle. I may actually buy a pair, since the last pair of cheap ass garden gloves I bought there are already torn and useless. My faucets ALWAYS work, so no need for me to traipse around in some "turning on faucets" event fashion. I may have to turn some leaky one off, actually. I give you...my gloves:

April 11th - Martha is horseback riding to brunch at Bedford Post. She will also bake some no-knead bread.

My April 11th - Seriously? I am not getting on a horse to get some damn brunch sandwich and Dr Pepper. I may, if weather permits, start eating my sandwich on the way back to the car. I will NOT be baking any kind of bread. I have discovered that supermarkets tend to do this for me. I will PURCHASE, then EAT some bread. Maybe. Here is God's gift to all bread lovers:

April 17th - Martha will be picking some asparagus (from her garden) for a dinner party that night. She'll also be making a Meyer lemon crepe cake.

My April 17th - I am all for asparagus, but really, again I must point out that supermarkets tend to have these supplies. If I am giving a dinner party, it will be for my friend who likes Pepsi and Papa John's pizza. Asparagus would be nice, but how to work it into the pizza menu?? Too much work. Now, this "Meyer lemon" snobbery is pissing me off. All the "Martha-ites" having their panties in a bunch for these damn lemons. It's not enough to have a lemon now...it must be a MEYER lemon, or that crepe cake is gonna suck. Well, I have a tree full of lemons and I will most likely be using one to scrub some copper pots. I am sure the MEYER lemon would cringe at the thought of such lowly work.

April 21st - Martha is planting onions and shallots. She will also be inserting supports in her peony garden.

My April 21st - I will be PULLING onions from the yard, as they grow wild here and every crack and open space seem to burst with them. I may send some to Martha. And if my peonies can't support themselves, that is just too damn bad. Martha is creating dependant flowers...a breed I cannot tolerate. Grow some leaves and buck up, I say! To my flowers. Every time I see them. Tough love.

April 24th - Martha works out and then spends a lovely day watching for migrating and nesting birds. Like these:

My April 24th - Hmm, it's a Saturday, so the closest thing to a work out in my house will be me working to get from the bed to the couch before 10am. While Martha searches the skies for her "migrating birds", I'll most likely be washing a car that suffers from the effects of those same "migrating birds". I may watch Ingrate Bastard migrate from the floor back to his cage, just for kicks.

April 28th - Martha will be appearing on the NBC Today show AND organizing her medicine cabinet (discarding old lotions and cosmetics).

My April 28th - It's a work day, so the only appearance I will be making will be at the cafe for a Dr Pepper and my desk for a paycheck. No doubt Martha will be singing the praises of Meyer Lemons and Migrating Birds on the Today show. I will be venting about that damn Gosselin woman and her stunning ability to remain in the spotlight despite her own personality. No one will care. Now, I don't understand why Martha would have to organize her medicine cabinet. A good home organizer (such as she claims to be) should already have everything in place. Maybe this is a note to remind her to tell her servants that THEY should clean out THEIR medicine cabinets. I am sure it is. I, of course, in all my obsessive glory, already have a clean medicine cabinet, so I will be done for the day!

I should have time to read the entire issue of Martha Stewart's "Living".