"In the gardening justice system, there are two separate yet equally important groups: the farmers who attempt to sustain themselves with their planting efforts and the varmints who are the garden offenders. These are their stories."
July 5th - Evidence photo A - A full garden, brimming with sustainable, organic goods only Mother Nature can provide:
Evidence Photo B - Fully formed radish:
Evidence Photo C - Flowering Peas on vine:
Evidence Photo C - huge lettuce crops:
Evidence Photo D - Pea crop on vines:
Evidence Photo E - Artichoke crop:
On or about July 6-7, Farmer Jane Doe (hereafter referred to as VICTIM) was able to harvest some lettuce and radish crops, although not all crops went willingly to the table:
Victim prepared a "garden salad" on or about July 6-7 and was looking forward to a summer and fall of continued benefits from said "sustainable, organic garden":
On or about the night of July 8th or 9th, VICTIM discovered random destruction of artichoke crop:
VICTIM attempted resuscitation efforts:
But finally had to accept the inevitable. Artichoke crop was photographed posthaste to prove unworthiness of table:
On or about July 9-10th - unknown perpetrators gained access to "sustainable, organic garden" and wreaked havoc to tops of sunflowers, kale, beets and lettuce plants:
On or about the same dates, KNOWN perpetrators (hereafter referred to as BASTARD GOPHERS) began savage, unwarranted and continuous attacks on "sustainable, organic garden":
At this time, VICTIM considered strong measures:
But wussed out and decided to remain organic:
VICTIM also attempted to elicit help from one "Killer Diller, kitty with no pity" - to no avail...Pea crops lost at this time:
VICTIM submits photograph below (Evidence photo F ) to show disparity between "organic produce" and lemons in same backyard:
On or about July 14-15 - VICTIM discovers how BASTARD GOPHERS are gaining entry to "sustainable, organic garden":
In a pathetic attempt to stem further damages, VICTIM plants additional pea crop in clay planter:
VICTIM also implores "Killer Diller, kitty with no pity" to get the hell off the phone and get back to work:
The help is no help:
On or about July 19, VICTIM discovers another artichoke caper, with no evidence left at crime scene:
On or about July 20, VICTIM discovers the last artichoke plant was right (please notice placement of completely ineffectual Gopher alarms):
VICTIM applies fast thinking method and harvests last artichoke before it too is mercilessly dragged down the BASTARD GOPHER's portal of doom:
July 22 -Evidence Photo G - Sad, pathetic remains of "sustainable, organic garden"
I will say, the gophers, moles, squirrels, deer, slugs and snails were sustained nicely by this garden. Me? not so much.
On the other side of the garden, I was able to harvest a single tiny tomato and then the tomato plant went all "infertile" on me:
A co-worker suggested a little "Q-tip" action might help the situation. I figured I'd throw in some Barry White on the iPod and a little candlelight as well:
It worked! Baby tomatoes are sprouting - how long before they, too, fall victim to KNOWN PERPETRATORS?
If this occurs, I am prepared to hire my own "Magnificent Seven" to protect the farming village behind the house:
