"Sustainable" Gardening? For who?

"In the gardening justice system, there are two separate yet equally important groups: the farmers who attempt to sustain themselves with their planting efforts and the varmints who are the garden offenders. These are their stories."

July 5th - Evidence photo A - A full garden, brimming with sustainable, organic goods only Mother Nature can provide:

 Evidence Photo B - Fully formed radish:

Evidence Photo C - Flowering Peas on vine:

 Evidence Photo C - huge lettuce crops:

 Evidence Photo D - Pea crop on vines:

 Evidence Photo E - Artichoke crop:

On or about July 6-7, Farmer Jane Doe (hereafter referred to as VICTIM) was able to harvest some lettuce and radish crops, although not all crops went willingly to the table:

Victim prepared a "garden salad" on or about July 6-7 and was looking forward to a summer and fall of continued benefits from said "sustainable, organic garden":

On or about the night of July 8th or 9th, VICTIM discovered random destruction of artichoke crop:

 VICTIM attempted resuscitation efforts:

But finally had to accept the inevitable.  Artichoke crop was photographed posthaste to prove unworthiness of table:

On or about July 9-10th  - unknown perpetrators gained access to "sustainable, organic garden" and wreaked havoc to tops of sunflowers, kale, beets and lettuce plants:

On or about the same dates, KNOWN perpetrators (hereafter referred to as BASTARD GOPHERS) began savage, unwarranted and continuous attacks on "sustainable, organic garden":

 At this time, VICTIM considered strong measures:

 But wussed out and decided to remain organic:

VICTIM also attempted to elicit help from one "Killer Diller, kitty with no pity" - to no avail...Pea crops lost at this time:

VICTIM submits photograph below (Evidence photo F ) to show disparity between "organic produce" and lemons in same backyard:

 On or about July 14-15 - VICTIM discovers how BASTARD GOPHERS are gaining entry to "sustainable, organic garden":

In a pathetic attempt to stem further damages, VICTIM plants additional pea crop in clay planter:

VICTIM also implores "Killer Diller, kitty with no pity" to get the hell off the phone and get back to work:

The help is no help:

On or about July 19, VICTIM discovers another artichoke caper, with no evidence left at crime scene:

On or about July 20, VICTIM discovers the last artichoke plant was right (please notice placement of completely ineffectual Gopher alarms):

VICTIM applies fast thinking method and harvests last artichoke before it too is mercilessly dragged down the BASTARD GOPHER's portal of doom:

July 22 -Evidence Photo G - Sad, pathetic remains of "sustainable, organic garden"

I will say, the gophers, moles, squirrels, deer, slugs and snails were sustained nicely by this garden.  Me?  not so much.

On the other side of the garden, I was able to harvest a single tiny tomato and then the tomato plant went all "infertile" on me:

 A co-worker suggested a little "Q-tip" action might help the situation.  I figured I'd throw in some Barry White on the iPod and a little candlelight as well:

It worked!  Baby tomatoes are sprouting - how long before they, too, fall victim to KNOWN PERPETRATORS?

If this occurs, I am prepared to hire my own "Magnificent Seven" to protect the farming village behind the house:

Summertime, and the Weeding is easy - PART TWO

Summer, boredom and a yearn to feel paper money burning in their palms brought four young nephews knocking on the door, just dying to do some garden work. After agreeing to give them the same chance the nieces had, I let them in. Of course, I was immediately accosted with the following:

"What mall will you take us to this afternoon?"
"Is $20 all we get? The girls said they got $30" (this line Auntie did not fall for)
"How long do we have to work?"
"When do we eat?"
"I'm allergic to a certain kind of weed, and I swell up. I think you should know that."

This being summer by the sea, the boys had to bundle up to go out and get to their slave labor duties:
It didn't take long for them to start showing off their hard work:

and then, about 20 minutes in....the pain set in:

the discovery of insects took precedence over the weeds:

and the totally awesome fox tail stalks could no longer be ignored:

a brief interlude in which the boys took advantage of the stalks to brush up on their sword play:

and then it was back to work for an additional grueling 30 minutes:

Having filled the bin a whole 1/8 of the way up, the boys were now starving:

so I treated them to the same lunch the girls got:
then forced them back outside to endure more hard labor:

This little guy was literally "working his pants off":

And finally, after dozens of weeds had been pulled, and the lawn showed lins proving it had been mowed...my hard working nephews agreed to pose for a group shot:

the posing would have continued if Auntie hadn't finally turned off the camera!

After so much hard work, I was shocked they managed to have enough energy to drag themselves to the mall to spend their hard earned dough. They managed.