Monday, December 1, 2008

Ridiculous Christmas Crafts

So I am thumbing through the Martha Stewart Holiday mag, as well as the December Martha Stewart Living mag, and I have come to the conclusion that this woman has way too much time on her hands.

The first annoying thing that I see: Her recipe for spiced cardamon cookies (scented with allspice and cloves, mind you) was annoying enough. I mean, how much damn flavor do you need in one cookie? But then, she just HAD to take it a step further, into what I like to call..."WTF Land". Once these cookies are done cooling...I am expected to "faux bois" them. Oh, sorry, you don’t know what this means either? Well, you press a wood grain design into the cookie to simulate wood grain on the cookie. Yes, you read that right...Your cookie should resemble a piece of wood when completed. Yum.

I continue perusing and find this: Jasperware ornaments. This article wasn’t initially annoying. It was a nice read about vintage clay pottery with raised "springerle" designs. It crossed into the annoying spectrum when I turned the page to read that if I couldn’t find enough of these things in antique stores to decorate my tree, Martha expected me to make them! The photos show a 4 step process that really is at least 24 steps. Find clay, color clay, find a German springerle cookie molds (no problem, right?), mold clay into design, let dry, trim clay mold, paint raised design, maybe gild some of them.....oh the hell with it! At this point I am going to Target to find some $2 ornaments. Seriously, though...what would possess someone to spend this much time on ornaments for a damn tree?

Disgusted further by reading a recipe to MAKE Bath salts for a gift (does Martha realize items like this can be bought anywhere?), I decide to move on to her very special, once a year publication known simply as "Holiday".

I remembered whose magazine this was when I saw this: Do you like birds? On your Christmas tree? Well, forget going to some store and buying, say, bird shaped ornaments. NO. You must make birds out of applesauce, cinnamon and glue. No, these birds aren’t for eating, they are for smelling good and remaining "cookie like" on your tree. Don’t forget! It’s not enough to cut out the shape from the cinnaglusauce. You must cover these with glitter and beads and hang them with MATCHING ribbons from your tree. Then you get to spend the rest of the holiday keeping small animals and children from eating the cinnaglusauce cookies.

I moved on quickly, only to find this: Make a Honey Walnut and Dried Fruit topping for your friends. Do I even need to say anything here? Disgusting.

Then I find this: Make crap out of your old sweaters - oh sorry, the article was really titled - Handmade Gifts. I think this was Martha’s way of saying, hey, I know we are in a recession and everyone is broke. This is her way of trying to be "frugal". Well, you need cashmere and wool sweaters. You need to "felt them". I, of course, immediately thought...why not just buy felt? But I digress. Once you’ve "prepared" your old ass sweater, you can then turn it into a small stuffed animal (incredibly detailed templates included), or some mittens (try to avoid using the underarm area of your old ass sweater for this one), or my personal favorite...a water bottle cover. Yes, I believe I saw a water bottle cover on, say, NO ONE’S list this year.

There’s no need to discuss the pine cone petal projects, as I recall making these when I was about TEN and can’t believe Martha is trying to resurrect this art form. No need to discuss the page devoted to making your own peppermint striped soap either. Seriously Martha, get out of the craft room and go to a mall. BUY THE DAMN SOAP and move on.

So, out of the two magazines hundreds of pages and dozens of ridiculous crafts, I found two that were mildly interesting. Button Snowmen on cards, and Beaded initials on wire. These look like thy may only take a day or so out of my life, no money, and little to no expertise.

I didn’t say I had time to do them!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Um, actually I was kind of hoping for a cashmere water bottle cover. For my hot water bottle, the one that keeps my feet warm in bed...