Cake Violence and Decorating Demons

I admit, I am no Martha Stewart. Hell, Betty Crocker is a genius next to my abilities in the kitchen! I do bake cakes though, which my family seems to enjoy when they are devouring them. No one dies. Same with my cookies. No complaints.

HOWEVER, the "cake violence" that took place the other night is just one example of why I take no delight in such culinary tasks. I start out innocently enough, with the requisite Betty Crocker cake mix, eggs, water and oil. I grease the pans...I set the timer...I wait.

I check on the cakes and notice they don’t seem to be "cooking"..merely expanding and bubbling. Hmm...I move the racks to another level and re-set the timer. I wait some more. THIS is what comes out of the oven some 45 minutes later:

What the hell??? I have made cakes in these molds before... I used the same "Betty Crocker Recipe" that has served me well in the past. Never has such a disgusting result occurred in my kitchen. I mean look at these things:

I can't present this "thing" to my mother! Happy Birthday, here is a lovely, lopsided, tumor ridden cake with raw dough inside. Gotta go now!

So, after much cursing and tossing of cake down the drain, I decide my only option is to try again with a different mold. SAME RESULT!!!

What the hell is going on here? I don't have time to test my oven to find out what gremlin is implanted and messing with my cakes! I am now also out of several things here:

Patience

Vegetable oil

Motivation

Cake mix

With my mothers birthday looming mere hours away, I decide to forget the cake idea, go back to the store and reload (uh, with supplies, not the gun!) and turn to cupcakes for salvation.

I don't know why, but this method of dividing the cake mix and baking cakes in separate little compartments goes smoothly. I then make the mistake of attempting to be all creative and "decorate" the cupcakes. I have loads of the following artistic supplies:

I don't know how those "fancy" cupcake people manage to decorate them without committing some sort of icing violence. I was so pissed by the end of the night I ended up tossing all the crap above and turning to sprinkles!

Here are the three "acceptable" cupcakes I ended up giving to my mother for her birthday. Lets just say I was so glad I had a Starbucks card for her as well!

The following night was Valentines Day eve...so to save money I decided to go all out and bake cupcakes for my 10 niece and nephews as well:

About 3 dozen cupcakes, ready to "decorate". Dear god, before that started again, I should have medicated myself! I may have saved money by baking cupcakes instead of purchasing bags of crappy candy and scented pencils and such, but the cost to my nerves was very high.

You'll notice in the following photo lots of easy toppings such a sprinkles and candy hearts. Yes, no stencils and no fancy icing anymore. Everyone has their limits, and mine had been reached!
As I delivered these cupcakes to the families, I heard no three year old bitch about the placement of the candy heart, or any 8 year old comment on lopsided cupcake shape. The baby didn't point out how crooked the lines were. I only heard squeals of delight as the smell of sugar and candy permeated their hearts. And a few thank you auntie's...so I call... SUCCESS!