Thursday, November 13, 2008

The Bird, Daylight and me

So, this parakeet I inherited is not enjoying the whole daylight savings time thing.

He used to enjoy a few hours of "cage free" time when I returned home from work each evening. He’d strut around my floor, crapping with gay abandon while chirping to himself in ecstasy over the damn bird toy he pushes around.

Daylight savings changed all that.

I would arrive home to find this sullen bird hunched on the lower perch, shrouded in darkness and trembling with rage. Angry at the sun for abandoning him; furious with me for allowing this indignity to befall him. So I thought to myself…why not put a timer on the lamp that sits next to his cage.

Easy fix, right? WRONG.

My First Mistake: I go to Target to purchase a timer (see previous post about evils of Target shopping). I end up in the Xmas section, in the aisle commonly referred to as "that special part of hell where they keep all the fancy electrical components that make firing up all those lights, inflatable snow globes and dancing elves on people’s front lawn possible". After tossing aside numerous spotlights, 100 foot extension cords, fuses and fire extinguishers, I find a $5 timer.

OK, now, it says to plug this timer into the wall directly, with the light plugged directly into the front of the timer.

ISSUE ONE: The lamp is currently plugged into an extension cord that is plugged into an electrical outlet. The electrical outlet sits behind these massive bookshelves.

ISSUE TWO: The timer bears a three prong wall receptor…every single one of my 8 different extension cords will only marry a two prong receptor. Bigots.

My Second Mistake: So I move the massive bookshelves forward, knocking over some crap I don’t know why I still have, loosening the precariously stapled on back panel of the case, and hurting my spleen, I think.

I plug the timer into the wall. I plug the two prong extension cord to the front of the timer. I run the extension cord to the lamp cord and plug in the lamp. I heave a sigh of relief and begin to push the bookshelves back into place.

ISSUE THREE: The bookshelves now stop a good 8 inches from the wall. Why, you ask? The timer connected to the outlet is 3 inches thick. The extension cord prong hanging off the front of the timer is about 3 inches long now. Interesting. Did anyone QA this design before releasing it to the public? I think not.

My Third Mistake: I pull the bookshelves out again, re-damaging the precariously stapled back of the unit. I tear the timer out of the wall. I struggle to push the bookshelves back into place against the wall. I hear something pop in my body, and I am not sure where or what it was.

ISSUE FOUR: The only other outlet is across the floor, halfway up the wall (don’t ask).
So now, every morning, the last thing I do before I exit the house is plug in this 10 foot extension cord from the lamp cord to the opposite side of the room, connected to the timer in an outlet halfway up the wall.

I swear I hear the bird laugh every time I do this.

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