Saturday, April 4, 2009

On Birthing a Duck

While perusing the aisles of Longs Drugs, in search of Easter goodies for the niece and nephews, I happened upon a small package containing a plastic egg and an attached card promising the miracle of birth. Yours for only 1.99. The card did mention I would be birthing either a chick or a duck. Intrigued, I bought one and decided to "test it out" before buying 10 more.
The instructions said to place the egg in water and wait 12-24 hours. Good. I wasn't about to sit on the egg in the first place.
The next morning, I see this:
A sign of life!! I control myself and do not head immediately to Baby's R Us for a car seat and diapers. After a long day at work, I come home to see this:
Oh my god! The head is crowning! I can't tell yet whether it's a chick or a duck, so I hold off on the nursery motif.

A couple of hours pass. I watch some Forensic Files and while watching The Daily Show, I hear a strange noise coming from the kitchen:
I can see an eye!! My god, the suspense is killing me! Chick, Duck or what?

The following morning, after a restless night spent worrying over Nursery schools versus Montessori schools for the Chick/Duck, I see this:
I see a...ummm...uh...a....thing coming out the side of the, Duck? The tension is unbearable, so I leave for work, letting nature take it course in my absence.

Later that evening, I check in on "Thing Hatching in My Kitchen" and see this: OK, so I can see a bill and two's a Duck. But there is something not quite right about it's body, and this concerns me. I go online and research things like "lame ducks" and "odd ducks" on Web no avail.

A while later and it's time to break the Duck out of its very "Brave New World" incubator:
I am now very concerned for my Duck, who I have decided to name "Lame". Something is terribly wrong. The body is not really "Duck Like" and I am not feeling any love for him.

I thought perhaps re-introducing him to his womb may do something:WRONG. Now he is a fat, ugly, misshapen Duck. He also has this evil/worried expression that reminds me of a kid who sets fires, then can't escape them. Lame is not what I expected for my 1.99.

I take Lame back out of the incubator womb and set him up for his official birth portrait. I try not to show him my disgust:

As you can clearly see in this photo, Lame is worried that his webbed feet my never fully develop. Or maybe he is worried about his close proximity to my garbage can.

Below is a side shot of Lame:Lame's lower body really shows what a $1.99 Duck looks like. I don't think any more "Birth Eggs" will be purchased this Easter.

PLEASE NOTE: Lame is still alive and well, sitting in my kitchen by the fish tank. As ugly as he is, I could not turn him out into the streets. I wonder if he would like to "visit" the beach? Hmmmm.


mom said...

that looks like a very evil "duck"! good thing you didn't buy a whole group of ducklings

The Swamp Fox said...

Poor Lame. Please try to love him. It's not his fault. He needs your love more than ever.